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I think I’m happier today than I’ve been in many years. This is despite the fact that I don’t have a girlfriend. In fact, this is despite that fact that this is the longest I’ve gone without a relationship in my life. I have always been dating dating or married or something.
But now? Nope.
This leads me to the part of the post that’s going to sound awfully bitter, but isn’t. Hang in there, you’ll see.
Fuc… Oh! Hold on. There’s profanity ahead. Click on the “More” link to keep reading, but you’ve been warned.
Fuck Online Dating
That’s what I should have titled this post.
“Online Dating” is an Oxymoron
If you are going to date somebody, it means you are going to have have to actually meet them to date them. Being “online” is the opposite of being “in person”.
The problem is that most people just don’t get this simple fact. You cannot trade email or nudges or pokes or whatever and honestly believe that you are somehow starting the “dating” cycle, can you? If you do, you may be an idiot.
I’m pretty sure that most people who are online, looking for a date, feel that the fact they created some shitty profile on match or plenty of fish somehow is equal to interacting with another human. I am now convinced that most people are (a) unable to communicate, (b) are barely self-aware and (c) have no real understanding that a real human is on the other side of the conversation.
I don’t have any terrible stories about this part of the online dating cycle. I’m just terribly disappointed in the number of people who start enthusiastically trading email/messages with me and then literally vanish. Vanish! Dude-ette. Not cool.
People Shopping
I understand and agree that finding a person who is suitable for a relationship is a numbers game. I also understand that attraction isn’t something that can be quantified. I’ve met many women who are really cool and I like but there’s some spark or magic that is missing. (Same is true in the opposite direction, too.)
My complaint is that most of the online sites are essentially people-shopping. The problem is that there’s “finding a potential match” and there’s “finding a perfect match”. Displaying photos in a 4×5 grid is closer to shopping on Amazon than it is looking for a human to date. Shopping online is about finding the thing that will look perfect on your mantle. Dating is about finding a somebody who is complex and real and who will (hopefully) be your partner through a long and sometimes difficult life.
So right off the bat, the online sites frame dating (complicated) as shopping (simplified).
There’s something unethical about this.
Liar!
Remember that part where I pointed out that there are people on the dating websites who forgot there are real people on the other side of the conversation?
Apparently, a side-effect of this is that they also fail to understand that when you lie on your profile, I will consider you a liar when you explain that the information you provided isn’t “quite accurate”.
Surprisingly, I have not had this problem with respect to physical appearance. I have had it, multiple times, with how people describe their interests or experiences in life.
Cliches suck…and not the good way
1) Sarcasm is not a type of humor. After age 16, you are only allowed to be sarcastic when yelling at politicians on the television.
2) Frankly, we’re all tired of the drama. A headling that says “tired of all the drama” means “I’m bitter”. Very attractive. (Sarcasm!)
3) If your only photo is of you and your same-sex friend, we must assume the worst when guessing which is you.
4) You aren’t “over it” if your only photo is of you and your ex-boyfriend, ex-husband, date, or gigolo.
5) Ask a friend to take a photo of you. Three camera-phone photos of you in your bathroom aren’t flattering.
6) I love walking on the beach too! In January! At Edgewater! Oh, you didn’t mean that? (Sarcasm!)
7) Saying you “love sports” is nice and we don’t believe you. Evaluating a draft pick in your profile changes our mind.
) We are creeped out if you say you “just want to be a housewife.” You will probably be creeped out by the kind of guys who reply.
9) What, exactly, is a soul mate? When I’ve asked, nobody knows.
10) Any profile with a variant of this phrase is meaningless: “I’m as happy doing [one thing] as I am doing [opposite thing]“. This might be “wearing jeans as wearing a formal dress” or “going to a Toby Keith show as I am going to the Orchestra” or … well, you get it. All I have to say is that a person with opinions is interesting. A person without opinions is cardboard.
11) You “want to start off as friends” do you? Too bad! I want to start off as enemies! In fact, I already hate you! Good start! (Sarcasm!)
That’s it
From now on, I’m done with these sites and this approach. If I don’t meet my next date, partner or wife in a face-to-face setting at the very start, I’m probably not ever going to meet her.
Strangely, I’m very happy with this decision.
It’s not because I think I’m going to be alone. It’s because I think the opposite.
5 Comments
thats a beautiful point. what did we all do before the internet, anyway? i know everyone finds their next great bootycall on craigslist, but i don’t know anyone in a successful relationship (romantic, anyway) as a result.
theres something to be said for rolling up your sleeves and doing it the “old fashioned way”. i know you’ll find her
Wow.
I had no idea that internet dating was that bad. Now I’m really glad that I met my husband at a bar. (Well, OK, it was a pub, actually, and a mutual friend invited us there to play trivia…)
I’ve known a few people (including my best friend) who wound up happily married to people they met through eHarmony. But I have other friends who haven’t been so lucky. I’d say that the odds aren’t any better or worse than meeting someone at a bar, or wherever you tend to hang out.
One reason I wrote that “Relationship are better because I’m not imposing artificial limits on them…” on Monday was because even with the online dating, I was starting to put all kinds of limits on things.
I look around and know more people than I give myself credit for knowing. I bump into new people all the time.
So…yeah. It will work out.
Your list of chiches is brilliant. Know what soulmates are? They’re people who’ve stopped thinking about why they’re together. Someone who wants a soulmate is someone who wants it to be perfect and effortless. News flash: it won’t be. Red flag!
Anecdote, I know, but I’m a success story. My wife and I met on match in 1999. I basically used it to narrow my options down to people who could write a complete sentence. Beyond that, and establishing a few rough things in common, it was face-to-face. But everybody’s got some kind of test, and if you don’t pass it, they usually won’t tell you so. They just stop answering your emails. Which is rude but easy.
Actually, at that time, we were one of four couples we knew who met on match and later married. Two of the other three are still together and I can’t remember who the third couple was.
I’ve tried about five different ways to type something that isn’t inappropriate, but I just can’t do it. I’ll spare you the details but ped0phila and roofies were involved…
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